"It's a Christmas Miracle!"

Foreword: With help from the title, I want you to think of that episode of the Brady Bunch where Carol losses her voice right before she sang in church for Christmas, okay??
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I'm a voice major. Choral Education to be exact. Because voice is my main instrument, I'm required to take vocal classes and private voice lessons, obviously, and one of the grading criteria for this class is to pass a jury.  At the end of each semester I have to get up and sing in front of a panel of professors, and I get graded on my singing.  This is the equivalent of a final test that other classes would give, except it's completely different; it's not just 15-20 percent of your grade like other classes I'm in, it's 50 percent of the grade. That's right. 50%.
So you try your hardest to perfect your music and stay healthy and prepared at every moment, and then something truly awful happens.  It's less than a week before your jury, and you wake up with a terribly sore throat.
NOOO! You scream internally, because heaven knows you can't, for the life of you, make any sound come out of your mouth except the hacking of a cough which hurts like none-other.
You think to yourself: surely it's just because I haven't gotten up and warmed up my voice- it will go away as the day goes on.
But the next day comes, and the sore throat is still there, burning, and your chest hurts from all the coughing, and you can't believe your jury (in which you have to sing lots of F5s and even an Ab5) is in four days. 4 DAYS. How is it even humanly possible to be healed of this sickness in 4 days?!

And then  you remember what you read in your scriptures the previous night.  You had been discouraged, and feeling ill, but you pulled out your scriptures and started reading in 3 Nephi 17.  The Lord was still visiting, and about to leave when suddenly He's filled with great compassion and asks that all the sick be brought to Him so that He may heal them, and because of their faith they are healed.  You continue to study this chapter though, because wow were there some great blessings that came in a situation similar to yours, so you look through footnote scriptures, and as your turning from one to another, you lose your grip on the book you're holding and lose your spot, for the book has opened to another page. It's landed on Mark 5, and a single verse is already underlined and draws your attention immediately to it: verse 34.

"Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace and be whole of thy plague."

WHAT.
Yeah. I wasn't even turning to that scripture. It just appeared.  Heavenly Father must really love me. And I think because I was searching truth, He gave it to me.

All today I've been thinking of ways I can channel my faith and be healed.  Immediately what I thought of was to have a priesthood blessing. And then I thought about what others may think if I ask for another blessing when I'm not even the only person who's sick.  I shared these thoughts with the friend I asked to give me a blessing. He assured me that asking for a blessing was not a sign of weakness, but of strength and humility; it shows that I turn to the Lord in my trials.  I was reminded of D&C 6:36 where it states to look unto Him in every thought, to doubt not and fear not. What I took from this scripture was that it's okay to turn to the Lord for strength in every thing, especially when it's important to us. I learned that I shouldn't fear man's opinion of me; it's okay to ask for blessings when we've been striving to stay righteous and are in need.
So Trevor and Jonathan came and gave me a blessing. It was beautiful, and I wish I had recorded it.

Then there's Nicole. She's amazing, I tell you! Nicole has been heaven sent, that's for sure, and I don't know how I would've survived this past week, nay, this past semester, without her offering me love and support the entire way. She has been the biggest blessing to me.
She has been praying for me, and offering to help me every minute this week, and even put my name on the temple prayer role and told her family to pray for me because she realized how important juries is.  Then she called over the guy she's dating to come give me another blessing this morning before my jury, and assured me that asking for another blessing is not bad at all.
So Jameson came over and gave me a beautiful blessing, and this time I recorded it.

HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT SO EASY TO LIVE THE GOSPEL AND FEEL GOD'S LOVE.

Having worthy priesthood holders all around is truly so amazing to me- that I could call on almost any of my neighbors and they'd be over in minutes to use their priesthood power. They're the greatest!

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So juries:
I was really nervous, and at the same time, not at all nervous.  It's a weird thing to experience.
But I got to the building and was so glad that Heavenly Father sent angels before me so that I would know a familiar face as I got there to calm me down a bit.  Brooklyn, a friend from choir, was there and as we conversed, she just soothed me so much and I felt everything would be okay because Brooklyn was there to answer my dumb questions and give me the best advice and be my friend.
And then more angels arrived as I waited and just so many tender mercies as I went into the room to perform (side note: the Caine Room, where I performed, is the epitome of a Jane Austen novel setting. I'm pretty sure one of the professors sitting by the window was actually Mr. Bingley writing a letter, but this is besides the point of this blog post.), and I'm just so grateful to be a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him!!
Although I was nowhere near perfect, I did my best in that moment and just tried to perform like everything was normal.

Basically, this whole experience was a Christmas miracle, but unlike the episode of the Brady Bunch, I recognize and know that this all happened because of a loving Heavenly Father and the faith I exercised in Him.

Have faith, kids. God loves you and is looking out for you. He'll bless you if you just turn to Him.

These things I know to be true, and I say them in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

P.S. My Relief Society Presidency gave our apartment little photos of Christ, and this was mine. On the back, it said, "The Savior is my friend and knows my every need."  I found it very uplifting during this discouraging trial. :)

Give Love, Not Gifts

Let me start with a question that I want you to answer for yourself.
What is your love language?

If you don't know, go here and take a little quiz that will give you a pretty good idea.

Then I want you to think about those you love most. What is their love language? Generally it's the top one or two love languages that affect a person most, in my opinion.

Now think about this Christmas season.  There's a large focus of showing love, right? Because Christ's light and love is something we try to emulate especially at this time of year, but have you noticed that people try to show love in a generic way at Christmas time? And that way is usually through gifts.
The problem with this, is that this is not everyone's number one love language, so getting them a gift is not very meaningful.  I mean, have you ever tried to think of the perfect gift for someone, but had the hardest time thinking of what they would want and be really excited and happy with?  My thoughts are that it's so hard to think of gift ideas because we're thinking giving a physical object is the only way we can show love, the only type of 'present' we can give.

From personal experience of taking the quiz, and other friends taking it as well (hopefully my roommates don't mind me sharing), the love language of getting gifts has come in last place by a long shot for most of us.   Maybe we're unique, but for people similar to us, I don't think it's too far-fetched to say that gift-giving is not the number one way we'd like to be shown love this Christmas.

In Relief Society yesterday, a young women raised her hand and shared similar thoughts with us.  She pointed out that Christmas time is a time to show love, and that we should tailor the love we give to others for them, and not just go with the flow and try and find a good gift. She shared that by loving others how they feel most loved is the best possible way we could ever love them.

Say someone's love language was quality time. Do you really think buying them an expensive gift, and simply dropping it on their doorstep would be a better Christmas present to them than coming over and talking for a bit while doing something simple like making snowflakes??
Personally, I would definitely opt for making snowflakes and talking, over making someone spend money on something that I might not even like, or ever use.

I challenge you to think of the people you want to show love to this season, and perhaps you still get them presents, but try and give them the kind of love they deserve in the way that's best for them. :) And maybe you can change your own Christmas-Wish List to things that fit your love language.

May your Christmas season be filled with Christ's love, and may you be a reason others feel it too. :)

Collegiate Life (6)

Today I want to share things on patience.

Because I'm still working on this principle of having patience, this will be an incomplete post without much conclusion or confirmation from me that it works, but I think that's part of it. I think the point of having patience is to build our faith in Heavenly Father and His plan for us.

Basically, there are a lot of things I'm impatient about.  I want a lot of answers right now, I want a lot of things to be over now, I want a lot of things to be here already, and the worst part is that they don't come and happen when I want it (which is right now, in case you didn't catch that).

One of my friends serving a mission right now told me in a recent email:

"I've been learning a lot about patience this week. We all have an abundance of challenges in our lives and we suppose that the solution should come now. Right now. President Monson said that in such circumstances, "the heavenly virtue of patience is required". Fussing over things never fixes them. The best fixer is Jesus Christ, and He comes in His own time."

I love his example to me, and another friend's who posted this link on Facebook today which I really loved.  Go read it here! It had some great insights about patience; all of those great prophets we read about in the scriptures didn't get their prayers or wants answered right away.  The majority had to wait 15 years or more for things to happen. Over 15 years!!  In my problems right now, 15 years would seem like an eternity to wait for answers and solutions.   

But I'm also slowly trying to focus my perspective on the part where earth life is but a small moment in my eternal progression, and the things I want fixed shouldn't need to feel so pressed for time, because some of them are eternal issues that don't need to be worried about not happening right now.... which probably doesn't make any sense to those who don't actually know what I'm dealing with, but basically I'm trying to get more comfortable with the idea of not rushing Heavenly Father because he's going to take His time anyway.

I don't know how the future will turn out. I don't know when my problems will be fixed, or my questions answered, but there must be something God is trying to teach or prepare me for, so I've just got to do my best to build my faith, and have that faith that He will make things alright for me, that things will work out better than I could even ask for or imagine.

Collegiate Life (5)

Today I'm going to talk about how God loves others.

For a lot of my life, there's always been an emphasis that Heavenly Father loves all of his children, including myself.  There was a push from leaders of "Remember that He loves you, individually." For some reason, I think that begins to take a selfish root (because we all know Satan likes to twist true things to make them evil). I think that people, me at least sometimes, begin to think that because God loves me so much, I should get this and that and this, or we begin to simply forget that God can bless the lives of others because He loves them too.  We can get jealous at times of others' blessings, and wonder where ours are. But I've come to learn that Heavenly Father loves me because I have first learned that He loves His other children.

We had a Stake Day of Service for Stake Conference.  Our ward decided to rake the leaves on the church grounds.  When we first started going over to the church, I wondered where we would get all the rakes (because let's be real: a college student isn't going to think about bringing one to college).  Apparently, one of Bishop's neighbors had a whole bunch of rakes that he willingly lent to our ward.  But he was an older gentleman, with a large yard of his own, and this year had been exceptionally hard for him to rake his leaves.  He was out of town on the day we raked the church grounds, so when Sister Anderson told us about this brother, we all decided that those who could, would go over right then and rake his yard.
There was maybe a dozen or so people there raking this huge yard, but we got most of it done in about an hour/hour and a half.  As we were in the backyard, I stopped to rest for a moment, and looked around to see all of the people (who had already been raking for 2 hours), continuing to work hard to rake the yard of a man none of us had ever met.  It was then that I realized how much Heavenly Father truly loved this man we were serving. If Heavenly Father didn't love this brother of mine, no way would He have made it possible for so many people to serve this way for a total stranger.  As I realized the love Heavenly Father had for this little old man, I also realized that He loves me that same way.  He sends so many blessings my way--so many angels--because he loves me.

Another experience I had was when a group of friends decided to go to an elderly care center to visit.  We went to what's called "Memory Lane," where most people there have dementia or something similar.  At first it was awkward to try and have conversation, especially with those who weren't completely there...But after a while, we were able to get the talking going and have a grand time with those old folk.  My friend asked at one point if they liked listening to piano music (there was a piano in the room).  Some replied that they did enjoy it, so he volunteered me to go play some music.  There was a book full of oldies which was absolutely perfect.  I chose a few songs that were really popular, such as Dream a Little Dream of Me, and even though I couldn't see or hear any of their reactions, I'm pretty sure they did enjoy it.  Later, a woman really wanted to hear the piano, so they called me over to play. I was able to ask her what songs she liked, and she told me hymns.  As I played, I could feel the Spirit enter the room because of those songs, and the feelings of love for those people which accompanied them.  Another lady cried out that she wanted to hear hymn 301: I Am a Child of God.   It really got to me, and continues to do so.  We were all children of God sitting there together, visiting and loving one another.   I think that at that moment, my friends and I were representatives of Heavenly Father, showing His love to His children in that facility. How neat it was to love them that day! And I look forward to when we go back and visit!

One last experience that really showed me this principle, was when I attended a Musical Therapy concert.  The MT department put on a concert where they presented different possible scenarios they may be faced with, and how they would go about solving it with music.  To think of people dedicating their life to helping others with their talents in that way just fills me with the warm and fuzzies.  I think that it is so incredible that we have music, and that I have the talents in music, and others do to, to reach out and touch the lives of others, to improve their lives, and in turn improve ours.

Heavenly Father is absolutely the coolest.  He knows exactly what everyone needs, and He sends us as His angels for others, and sends us angels in return.  I think I am just beginning to learn this, and I can't wait to continue to see and be His hands as all of us children go through life. :)

In the name of Jesus Christ I share these things to testify of Him and His love. Amen.

Collegiate Life (4)

   Random things that have happened this past week:

     First off: Fast and Testimony meeting is SO crazy in my ward.  Everyone wants to bear their testimony! Which is a good and a bad thing.  I had actually planned on bearing mine because my testimony grew in some pretty great ways in the past month, but I didn't even get the chance because after every two testimonies, five more people would get up and sit on the stand.  There wasn't a minute of silence.  Sadly, those pauses between people deciding to get up is when I hear and feel the Spirit the strongest usually; it's able to sink in in those moments and it's usually when nobody is going that I'm compelled most to bear my testimony.  I'm sad that didn't happen for me this past Sunday.... Maybe I'll bear my testimony someday in this ward....

Date Night(s!)
So I was walking up to campus with my next door neighbor Monday, and he was asking about my weekend and what-not, so I told him that "I went on some dates."   He got a kick out of that! He brings it up every time we walk to class.  But it is actually true.  I went on a date on Friday and on Saturday night.  Maybe saying "a couple of dates" would work better, but either is still true.  *sigh* And I had a good time! And this is the part that gets everyone. They were with the same guy. Haha. So it was pretty great to chill with Matthew two days in a row.  He took me on the first, and then the original guy I asked for Saturday wasn't able to go, so I got Matthew to tag along instead.
Now, coming from not having a date since maybe April, this was a big deal for me.  Which is why I'm writing all about it here. They were my first dates here in college, and I'm glad they were with a good friend I've made here.  I don't know how some people handle random guys they've seen twice on campus ask them out. I mean, how??
The first night we went to Lee's and picked out pumpkins.  I loved how Matthew made it different than normal runs to the store. He got my door, made sure we walked next to each other, etc.  It made me feel pretty good inside.  Anyway: we found the perfect pumpkin! Well, I found it. But Matthew accepted it as perfect, even though there were lots of imperfections on the face- that's what made her perfect (we declared it female from the start).
We carved the pumpkin, and I found out that I'm terrible at carving pumpkins.  I don't know why Matthew trusted me to carve it.  But he did lots of cool fancy stuff that we attached to the outside that made it beautiful.  And of course we didn't have candles, so we took a trip to Walmart to buy some, haha. Walmart runs happen quite frequently for us. After that we took pictures with our creations.  And we definitely posed just like our pumpkin.  Did we name her??.......awk... Well, she became our green pumpkin's boyfriend, and they kiss 24/7.

Then we made our amazing graham cracker haunted houses.  It was gorgeous.  And I'm proud to say I was much better at it than pumpkin carving.  Matthew is also pro at these, so he was very serious and smart about how to go about building a proper roof, gluing it together, etc.    It turned out A. MAZ. ING.  It's still sitting in our kitchen even because I don't want to ruin it.

Isn't it the happiest thing? Yeah. It is.

And the next night was adventurous as well.
I had to go to the DI, and he said he'd take me over, but we ended up going about 6:15pm, and we were suppose to meet up for the date at 6:30pm, so it all kind of morphed into the date.  I got my stuff at the DI, and we went to the store to pick out a dessert.
It only took FOREVER.
It's fine.
We finally settled on brownies with Andes mints (Mom would be so proud) and went home to make them.  I was able to ask the question that has only burned in the mind of every girl who has ever wanted to ask as guy out: who gets the doors?? (See, it's very obvious who gets the door when the guy asks, but when the girl asks?)  Matthew said that he would be inclined to get the door for the girl, unless they were an independent feminist who preferred to get it herself.   So that didn't exactly answer the question, or the question that was underlying ("Are you going to get my doors tonight?"), so when we back to Old Farm's parking lot, I said that he could get my door if he liked to. He said he would like to, and so that was lovely. :)
P.S.  He offered to get the bill at the store, but I pushed it aside and paid. Also, we needed eggs for the brownies, but I don't use eggs so he was just going to buy them so he could use them after brownies, but I bought them.  Then he exclaimed, "but I was going to buy the eggs!" And then later he tried to give me money and there was chasing around the kitchen, and I ended up putting the money in his fridge. It was great.

Anyway: the point of the date was that each of the four couples would be in charge of one part of the meal, and that we'd buy all our ingredients and then switch one ingredient with another couple so that we had to incorporate something from another part of the meal into our assigned part. Stephanie and Blake were in charge of the Chicken Parmesan, and we were in charge of dessert, right? And for a minute we were the only two couples present to cook anything, so we switched items.  We gave them a few of our mint chips that they had to sprinkle on their chicken (not my favorite thing in the world), and long story short: we put sauteed garlic onions in our brownies. We only put them on top of half the mix, so that there would be actual edible brownies, but Matthew was tricky and made us have a battle of wits (the other two couples had NO clue what item we had put in our brownies).   I made good observations in the baking process, so I chose the good kind (although there was still an onion on it!).  It was very exciting to see the reactions of those who chose the onion brownies. Very entertaining. Until they all tried to make me eat my own creation, which I eventually did after a lot of begging from everyone. It was the nastiest thing of my life, and it was only in my mouth for maybe .005 seconds. It was that gross. And then all I could taste was garlic onion burning on my tongue. I don't know how Matthew ate an entire brownie with onion in it.... (He was pulling a Wesley from Princess Bride and the poison situation.)
After dinner, we washed dishes and cleaned up, and then headed over to another apartment to watch Megamind (in which we decided that I am totally Minion and Stephanie is Megamind).  Basically, we had to go back to get our DVD player because theirs wasn't working, so Matthew and I said we'd go get the DVD player.  I had forgotten to grab my key from my purse that I left at the other apartment, but I had locked the door. Anticipating a situation like this (especially after what happened to Matthew earlier that day), I had left a window unlocked for the purpose of breaking in.  I actually really wanted to climb through the window; it sounded like a great adventure, but as I was trying, I was failing. Big time. So Matthew just hopped in and opened the door and we got the DVD player.  #EMBARRASSMENT

It's pretty great because I still give goodnight kisses because it's my thing, and I can't imagine a date where I don't give them a goodnight kiss... So basically, Matthew got lots of kisses from me this weekend. They just all happened to be chocolate ones. ;)

I'm so grateful to have good friends that I can go on dates with. Not just Matthew, whom I went on the dates with, but the other guys and girls that joined in the dates too, and the fact that we can all just have a party with each other all the time. :)

Okay. The end. Thanks for reading my long story, Logan. ;)

Collegiate Life (3)

So we have this beautiful picture of the Savior hanging up in our living room.  He's walking on the beach, right next to what I imagine is the Galilean Sea. And it's gorgeous.  So calming and comforting, and I'm so glad that we have Christ at the center of our little home.

Well, this small, square picture hanging in our front room of Christ walking actually has someone just out of the frame, and her name is Nicole.  She's one of my housemates and is seriously one of the sweetest humans I have ever met.  We all agree that Nicole is just barely out of the picture, because she walks with Christ.  How soo true this is! She is so amazing and I just love her so much!

A lot of my roommates are leaving for home for Conference today, but I have a concert I'm performing in tonight so I'm not leaving until tomorrow, probably.  Some of them expressed that they wish they could make it to the concert, but that I'll do amazing.  Today when I got home from my last class, I went up to my room to put my things away and on the bed was a package of Starbursts and a cute little note from Nicole telling me to do well in my concert!  Could she be any sweeter?! It was the most pleasant surprise that just made my entire day!

I love that I am constantly surrounded by so many good good people that care about the little things in my life.  I am blessed over and over again by their kind gestures and friendship and I wish I could just squeeze them all to death with my love! But that wouldn't seem very loving... ;)

Collegiate Life (2)

Today I am very grateful to be surrounded by so many amazing people that I like to call my family.

I started out yesterday with a sore throat. I thought it was just because I woke up so early to go to the temple, and that it would warm up and be fine the rest of the day, but I was wrong.  It progressively started feeling worse.  Then my muscles started feeling sore and I started having aching pains in my back.  My face couldn't be cooled and my head started to hurt.  I tried to just ignore all these things, truly thinking it was just because I got up so early and hadn't had time for a nap, but by that night, I really just felt so sick.

We watched an episode of Bob Ross (I know, we're the coolest), and I thought that would relax me (because Bob Ross has the most soothing voice ever, and his paintings are gorgeous), but  I just felt achy the whole time.  The episode ended and I laid on our bean bag, started to feel every little pain, and I couldn't move very well. Stephanie helped me up real slow, but I still got light-headed and just felt like collapsing again.  I filled up my water bottle and started making my way upstairs.  Stephanie realized I wasn't doing to well and asked if I was okay.  I just explained some of the things and she said to just go up to bed and get sleep.
 Matthew had just started walking home when Stephanie asked if I wanted a blessing.  I hadn't thought of it, and didn't know if I was truly sick enough to get a blessing or anything, and it was eleven o'clock at night and everyone was probably in bed/getting ready for bed and I didn't want to disturb them. But she called after Matthew to come back, and then went and got Trevor and Brooklyn.   I sat on a chair in our front room, waiting for Trevor to come over.  When he got there, he had brought Chaz too.

Trevor asked me some questions about how I was feeling, and they determined that I was in fact feeling sick, haha:)  And then asked if what I wanted was to have a blessing to heal sickness with consecrated oil.  I replied yes, and then he asked who I wanted to give the blessing.  I almost felt bad for a second because I wanted Trevor and Matthew to, but I didn't want to make Chaz feel bad, but I realized that it was okay to ask for Trevor and Matthew to do it because I'm closer to them, and I think they knew I wanted those two to do it anyway.  Trevor asked me if I wanted anyone to leave the room, which my first thought was to have my roommates leave, but then I just told everyone that they could stay if they were faithful about the blessing and that they wouldn't distract from the Spirit.  I was able to ask that we start with an opening prayer, and chose Brooklyn to say it.  Then Matthew consecrated the oil on my head, and then all three guys came over so Trevor could give me a beautiful blessing.   I was so very emotional, from all the pain I was in, but also from the sweet Spirit and love I felt as those young men worthily blessed me.  It meant so much to me to have them do such a thing for me.
After the blessing I got up, wiping tears from my face, and just wanted to squeeze them all so tight, but I also don't know if I'm contagious or anything. So I said that and started giving Matthew a handshake.  He chuckled and said that he didn't care about that and pulled me into a hug. And so I gave them all hugs of love and thanks.  It is an experience I don't think I'll forget.

As they were all leaving, they kept saying that if I needed anything at all, to just tell them and they would do it.  They started saying they'd bring me cookies and brownies and chicken noodle soup, and they were just the cutest things.  I love that I have a family here that wants to help me in anyway, and I know I would do the same for them because even though we've only known each other for a month, it feels like we've been a family forever.

I also gained a stronger testimony on always living worthily, so that at any given time, we may give or receive blessings through the Priesthood.  I love that those young men were prepared at that very moment to give me a blessing; it brings so much comfort to me to know that I'm surrounded by worthy priesthood holders that are so willing to use that power to help others.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love each of us so much, and even though they don't take your struggles from you (the blessing didn't immediately heal me, I'm still really sick this morning), they will bless you in so many other ways to help you have the strength to endure. The tender hand of the Lord is in the details of your life, you just have to look for them and live worthy of them. :)

Collegiate Life (1)

FOREWORD: Now that I'm in college, a lot of the things I post will probably be about college....


College life is so weird.  You get to know a ton of people super fast, but it's only been a week and a half and I feel I've started losing the friendships I started making the first few days.  Some friendships have been strengthened- like my relationships with my room mates- but I've kind of gone back to just being a random person that's just a space filler.   I know many who get invited to everything with so many people because they're the go-to person for fun and games.  And then I just sit at home, or something like that wishing some cute guy would text me to hang out too.

     You know that cliche idea that college is for finding yourself? Discovering who you are, and growing up into adulthood?  I never thought I would be one of those people.  I've always known who I am, right? I know where I'm going. I have a plan. I don't need self-discovery just because I'm starting college, right?   Wrong.

     I had no clue that there are things about myself that I actually don't know. There are some things that I didn't know I was struggling with until I got to college and have had more alone time to think and ponder about where I am in life exactly.  Trials that I've been dealing with but have never been able to exactly identify or put my finger right on the problem, I am just discovering these.

   One of the things that has become more of a pressing matter for me was mentioned at the beginning.  I've noticed that I'll meet lots of people and become friends, but then those people become friends with my roommates, and they'll come over and hang out, or invite us to things, but as I observe, I can see that all of these friends primarily want to hang out with my roommates and I just happen to be there too, so they're okay with me tagging along, but I'm not the one they have in mind when they extend an invitation.  And this really bugs me.  I don't know why: I should just be happy with doing stuff with everyone, right? But for some reason I'm really selfish and just for once want to be invited to something because someone wants to spend time specifically with me. I want to feel like I'm their friend, not just a girl with whom they share a mutual friend with.  I don't want to just be a space filler. I don't want to be the third, or the fifth, or the ninth wheel anymore.

    But what really gets me is why? Why? Is it because I'm more introverted? Awkward? Unattractive? Boring?  I will be investigating the reasons in the coming weeks, and maybe I'll find out.  Maybe I can improve, or find someone that will like to hang out with me for who I am, not for who I live with.

Not everything is terrible though! I still have a lot of fun with many people, they're all awesome, and I love them all. :)

Farewell to "Farewells"

     My dad, mom, and I had a conversation last night about some things in the adult session of Stake Conference.  Missionary Homecomings and Farewells were brought up, and it has motivated me to further action.

     Yes, I've fallen prey to the whole "it's not a farewell, they're just talking in church and then having a lunch party after" thing after the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints specifically told us to get rid of such traditions, for it detracted from real purposes of the Sacrament Meeting and what-not.   But not anymore.
     A point was brought up about this.  Maybe we've stopped giving them the title "Homecoming" and "Farewell," but the point of the call to action was to stop doing these things, not just beat around the bush and try and disguise what we do.  This is a cultural thing that should've stopped the minute our Prophets commanded, but it has still continued.  Do we believe in our leaders? Do we actually believe they are speaking on behalf of God? Then why are we treating this counsel like we know better, or that it's not something serious?  We're showing disobedience by holding these events, and probably missing out on a lot of blessing because of it.
    The most obvious blessing we're missing out on is the Spirit, strength, and growth we receive from attending every single meeting we have.  Sacrament is the most important meeting, I know, but don't you think that all are meetings are important? Why would you only want to feel 1/3 of the Spirit that you could feel?

    The past few years I've had a lot more friends go on missions because we've just reached that age.  We all love each other and want to support one another, and of course we want to see them, talk to them, and hug them just one more time before they leave for a couple of years.  But I've observed some things in going to these "talks in church and a lunch after" things.  When I get to the building and enter the chapel, it's noisy.  It's crowded. And no one is paying attention to the most important thing in the room: the white linens covering our Savior's flesh and blood.   So many people have come together from different wards, many of them friends and family, so they naturally get excited to see one another and want to talk to them about life, but the chapel isn't the place for that, is it?   I've observed friends that I've always looked up to spiritually just talking louder and louder as each new friend arrives.  Usual members of the ward are frazzled to see all the benches and seats filled with strangers, and many of those families get put in the very back.  It hurts to see that these shining examples would ignore the meaning and purpose we should truly have for coming to Sacrament Meeting: the remember Christ.  I feel guilty inside sometimes, to think that I'm contributing to this detracting of the Spirit.  
   And then these examples go to the lunch afterwards, and they sit and chat and hang out with all the friends and miss all their other meetings without really batting an eye.  Many just hear the talk, grab some food, and then head home for the day.   When was the last time any of my friends attended a meeting other than the Sacrament?  Do you even remember what Sunday School class you're in?
    As I started realizing what I was participating in, and how it kind of made me feel, I began to think of a compromise.  I decided that I would go to these missionary talks only if I made it to all of my meetings in addition. So instead of one hour of church, I was to attend at least four hours of church. And if the food afterwards conflicted with me getting to my meetings on time, I simply wouldn't get food.    This system has seemed to work rather well this summer, but sometimes I still feel uncomfortable with the same people every week at a ward that is none of ours. Why are we not at our own?? We could be showing our support to our own ward by the raise of the right hand instead of sitting with our arms by our side in another ward.
    When I had this discussion with my parents, I became more resolved to change even further, because even though going to these events don't necessarily harm us or the Church, I don't want to continue missing out on blessings that we could be getting by focusing and putting forth the effort in our own ward and meetings, and keeping the reverence of the Sacrament.   I decided that if the "farewells" and "homecomings" I go to continue to be rowdy and irreverent, I will stop going to them altogether so that I am not taking away from the Spirit of the meeting.  I'd rather miss seeing one of my friends talk for 15 minutes than take away from the real meaning of the Sacrament Meetings.

  I hope that there are some of you who would like to join me in this cause of restoring the proper Spirit and focus in these Sacrament meetings back to Christ and His Atonement instead of on a young man or woman about to leave for a mission.  And I would hope that those soon-to-be missionaries who are giving up their normal life to serve the Lord would want to focus on Christ too. I think that as we strive to obey our Prophet's counsel in every aspect, whether it seems small or insignificant, that we will be greatly blessed for it.

Can't College Come Any Faster?

I've kind of had it with being home.   Sure, I may regret saying that in a couple months, but right now I seriously need to get away from my family.  

Maybe that's the real reason why I hate summer so much and would much rather be in school: I can't handle sitting around doing nothing in a house full of people I can't handle for very long. I've always hated summer, and this summer is no more lovable.  School kept me busy and far far away from the house for most of the day. 

In fact, the only summer that really was enjoyable to me was probably last summer.  And looking back, it was because I was out of town a TON, mostly with my friends. We hung out everyday and I didn't have to be trapped at my house. School is just so much more enjoyable for me. 

I'm getting sick of fighting with my family constantly and getting so annoyed by them.  Maybe living with roommates won't be any better, but at least I can leave the apartment, take a 3 minute walk, and be just one bus ride away from everything; I'll also be more likely to act civil around people I haven't lived my whole life with. 

So even though I'll be as poor as dirt, and not able to afford to eat, I think college will do me a lot of good to just be away from everything and everyone causing me such headaches this whole summer. Call me a crazy, but I just can't wait to move out and be poor if that means I'll be just a bit more happy.

I'm Not Afraid to Be Myself

I changed the name of this blog from I Just Get Weirder to now I'm Not Afraid to Be Myself for a few reasons.  The main one probably being that things I want to post are things about me personally- my feelings and problems that I need an outlet for, things that I'm hoping I won't be afraid of talking about or admitting anymore because I need that, for me.

I look up to so many bloggers and friends that have such inspiring blogs full of happiness, motivation, and love for others, so I apologize for a time if you stumble upon my posts and are weighed down by the possibly negative or frustrating things I post here because what I'm trying to overcome is starting from a rather dark place, and I can not make promises of messages of joy until I actually begin to experience it for myself regularly.  So for now, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry because I have to write out how I feel- the things that are trapped in my mind waiting for an escape. And this medium is that escape. Hopefully an outlet for many of my less-than-positive things that will stay out of my person the moment my fingers type the words.

I've done a lot of self-diagnosis these past few years, so even though I have not been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a professional doctor, I cannot deny the overwhelming evidence pointing to these things.  And they aren't just going away either.    I found a perfect article describing what I feel to match me to the tee.  Feel free to read the whole article here.  Actually, I beg you to read that article, because it is me.

There is one specific paragraph that really hit me because I literally matched every single thing listed, and that's when I really realized that depression and anxiety really don't have boundaries.  We are all the same to what I would call my monsters under the bed....and that's why I can't sleep at night.  Puns intended. (For some explanation: I don't sleep well at all. Insomnia can be a sign of depression and anxiety. Insomnia is also something I've self-diagnosed, but there's history in my family of all these things, so I'm pretty sure I'm not that far off on any of this.)

The articles says:
 "We don’t see the student with the 4.0 GPA or the student who’s active in choir and theater or a member of the National Honor Society or the ambitious teen who takes on leadership roles in a religious youth group."

I have maintained a 4.0 my whole life. I'm very active in choir, and have been in theater in the past. I was a member of the NJHS in Jr. High, and the NHS all three years of high school.  I've always been highly involved as a leader in my class presidencies in church.   Every single thing matches.  And it really scares me.  I'm not immune.  I am more than likely infected with these viruses that I've been afraid to admit have haunted me until now.  I'm kind of just done hiding.  I don't want to continue dancing on a broken ankle and playing music with a broken arm.

Some people may think I've got it all together. They think that because I'm a 4.0 AP student who has gotten plenty of awards in school that I somehow am "living the perfect life" like the article touches on.  Well folks, I'm not, so you can stop that silly nonsense.

I'm scared that someone might actually read this.  I'm am.  But right now, I don't care.  Maybe I won't post this for a really long time. Or maybe never.  It's not like anyone could tell the difference.  But I think me knowing if it's not posted may make me feel like this stuff I'm holding in hasn't actually been released yet.
So here I'll post this. Now. Because starting now, I'm not afraid to be myself. And this is who I am.