Can't College Come Any Faster?

I've kind of had it with being home.   Sure, I may regret saying that in a couple months, but right now I seriously need to get away from my family.  

Maybe that's the real reason why I hate summer so much and would much rather be in school: I can't handle sitting around doing nothing in a house full of people I can't handle for very long. I've always hated summer, and this summer is no more lovable.  School kept me busy and far far away from the house for most of the day. 

In fact, the only summer that really was enjoyable to me was probably last summer.  And looking back, it was because I was out of town a TON, mostly with my friends. We hung out everyday and I didn't have to be trapped at my house. School is just so much more enjoyable for me. 

I'm getting sick of fighting with my family constantly and getting so annoyed by them.  Maybe living with roommates won't be any better, but at least I can leave the apartment, take a 3 minute walk, and be just one bus ride away from everything; I'll also be more likely to act civil around people I haven't lived my whole life with. 

So even though I'll be as poor as dirt, and not able to afford to eat, I think college will do me a lot of good to just be away from everything and everyone causing me such headaches this whole summer. Call me a crazy, but I just can't wait to move out and be poor if that means I'll be just a bit more happy.

I'm Not Afraid to Be Myself

I changed the name of this blog from I Just Get Weirder to now I'm Not Afraid to Be Myself for a few reasons.  The main one probably being that things I want to post are things about me personally- my feelings and problems that I need an outlet for, things that I'm hoping I won't be afraid of talking about or admitting anymore because I need that, for me.

I look up to so many bloggers and friends that have such inspiring blogs full of happiness, motivation, and love for others, so I apologize for a time if you stumble upon my posts and are weighed down by the possibly negative or frustrating things I post here because what I'm trying to overcome is starting from a rather dark place, and I can not make promises of messages of joy until I actually begin to experience it for myself regularly.  So for now, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry because I have to write out how I feel- the things that are trapped in my mind waiting for an escape. And this medium is that escape. Hopefully an outlet for many of my less-than-positive things that will stay out of my person the moment my fingers type the words.

I've done a lot of self-diagnosis these past few years, so even though I have not been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a professional doctor, I cannot deny the overwhelming evidence pointing to these things.  And they aren't just going away either.    I found a perfect article describing what I feel to match me to the tee.  Feel free to read the whole article here.  Actually, I beg you to read that article, because it is me.

There is one specific paragraph that really hit me because I literally matched every single thing listed, and that's when I really realized that depression and anxiety really don't have boundaries.  We are all the same to what I would call my monsters under the bed....and that's why I can't sleep at night.  Puns intended. (For some explanation: I don't sleep well at all. Insomnia can be a sign of depression and anxiety. Insomnia is also something I've self-diagnosed, but there's history in my family of all these things, so I'm pretty sure I'm not that far off on any of this.)

The articles says:
 "We don’t see the student with the 4.0 GPA or the student who’s active in choir and theater or a member of the National Honor Society or the ambitious teen who takes on leadership roles in a religious youth group."

I have maintained a 4.0 my whole life. I'm very active in choir, and have been in theater in the past. I was a member of the NJHS in Jr. High, and the NHS all three years of high school.  I've always been highly involved as a leader in my class presidencies in church.   Every single thing matches.  And it really scares me.  I'm not immune.  I am more than likely infected with these viruses that I've been afraid to admit have haunted me until now.  I'm kind of just done hiding.  I don't want to continue dancing on a broken ankle and playing music with a broken arm.

Some people may think I've got it all together. They think that because I'm a 4.0 AP student who has gotten plenty of awards in school that I somehow am "living the perfect life" like the article touches on.  Well folks, I'm not, so you can stop that silly nonsense.

I'm scared that someone might actually read this.  I'm am.  But right now, I don't care.  Maybe I won't post this for a really long time. Or maybe never.  It's not like anyone could tell the difference.  But I think me knowing if it's not posted may make me feel like this stuff I'm holding in hasn't actually been released yet.
So here I'll post this. Now. Because starting now, I'm not afraid to be myself. And this is who I am.