The Tragic Hero

     I am Mr. Henchard, the once powerful mayor of Casterbridge.  I am Oedipus, once a great ruler of Thebes.  I am the consumed Dr. Jekyll, once a man of great genius and accomplishment, now broken into a hideous, lowly creature.  I am Jay Gatsby, one whose rich and wellness had ended with selfishness for want of an even better life and future.  I am a tragic hero, who started from the bottom and worked my way up the ladder, just to fall down and break my neck.  I am Caesar, having climbed the ranks of society and power, only to be shoved back to the ground by my friends, even Brutus.
     Elementary school and junior high I worked so hard, and succeeded more than I could've dreamed.  I peaked at my freshman year; my last year of junior high.  That's when everything began to go down hill.  I started at the bottom of the school chain again, as a sophomore.  I tried my hardest to gain the power I had left behind at West Point, and I gained a bit my junior year, but then senior year- my final year-  I have quickly descended the rungs of the ladder so much so that I am very nearly buried already in the cold, hard ground, and it hasn't even been a semester!
     It hurts sometimes.  I'm embarrassed a lot.  I'm stressed a lot.  And I spend most of my days wanting to hide my face and erase everything that has happened.  But I can't.  So I proceed with my days trying to ignore those facts, acting like nothing happened, moving on to the next thing and waiting to embarrass myself all over again.
     What rough lessons I am learning from watching myself and a certain friend swap places. I am Henchard, and they are Farfrae.  I use to be the kind, respective Mayor, but now they are.  They have become everything I was in ninth grade, and I am left to be a poor old man hiding out in a cottage, trying to escape the dreadful things following me.  I feel as if everything I have worked so hard for, everything I have earned, everything I have ever cared about have all gone to the other.   I feel I have not only lost my academic success and respect, but also my social stance.  I have lost the many close friendships I had, only to gain but a very few (though they are very dear to me). I don't know anyone anymore, and no one knows me.  Not any one person knows.
     Perhaps I should be as Invisible Man and be content with an uninspiring, unimportant, and unsuccessful life, but hubris is standing in the way of my change of heart and I just don't know how to overcome this hamartia yet.  I guess I have my whole life to figure out how to be content with the role of a background character; something I probably always was suppose to be.  That's what the Atonement is for, eh?  So for now, I will throw myself into the work of The Lord; let Him take the reins for a bit so I don't have to choose between myself and Him. I will become His tool and be glad to do the work laid for me, wherever it may lead.

A Sunday Delight

Oh, how spiritually fed I have been this day! And it wasn't even really from the one meeting that I attended. Many of the things that I have experienced today have combined to make a feeling of love and assurance from my Father in Heaven.
     I was assigned a talk on gratitude today, so I started researching talks about gratitude.  I came upon one by President Uchtdorf titled "Grateful in Any Circumstance."  Go give it a look here!
The idea to have a disposition of gratefulness at any point in life is absolutely amazing to me. How important this is!
     My good friend Kathy, who is actually the mother of my really good friend who is serving a mission currently, is a great example of having an attitude of gratitude in a heartbreaking time.  Kathy just lost her daughter last week, who had been struggling with BPD.  Despite the hardship, Kathy has shown a greater love and gratitude for this wonderful gospel.  I was able to talk with Kathy about the many tender mercies experienced throughout the past week and a half.  Kathy says the miracles just keep coming!

I happened upon this story, which I've read before, but with the events that have happened it took an even greater meaning.
"In a mother’s womb were two babies. One asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?” The other replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”
The second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we can’t understand now.”
The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”
The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”
The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”
The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”
The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”
Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”
To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can hear Her loving voice, calling down from above."

We are all in the womb right now.  Many cannot see life continuing after this mortal time on Earth, but I know that our Father and Mother are waiting to embrace us when we leave this place.  Just how our parents here want to comfort us in our greatest trial, so does our Father in Heaven.  Perhaps that is why Kathy's daughter left this life, because she was struggling so hard that Heavenly Father could not stand another minute with her not in his arms.  

"But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things."

-2 Nephi 2:24

I know that God does things that we can't understand fully, but he does them with reason, in wisdom.   He helps design our lives so that we can be blessed, helped, and made stronger in this life in order to prepare us for the joy that is yet to come.  I love my Savior, and know He lives.  I know that we have Heavenly Parents who love us more than we can even begin to imagine. We are given trials to make us stronger, and we must learn how to be grateful in those trials.  I am so grateful for this gospel, and the knowledge and comfort it brings me and those I love.

I write these things as a testimony in the name of my Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen.

        

Fifth Wheel

Fifth Wheel
n. Person who accompanies two (or more) couples in a social situation, who does not have a partner of his or her own. Often the fifth person's attendance is encouraged by one of the well-meaning but ignorant female partners, who may feel sorry for the lonely person, but will inevitably ignore them once the lovemaking starts. It carries the connotation that the fifth person is often an unnecessary and unwelcome addition to the scene in these conditions. Derived from "the fifth wheel of a car", which needing only four wheels to run, has no need of a fifth.


Have you ever been the third or fifth wheel ever?  Let me tell you, it's the most awkward thing. Especially when the two couples don't say they're actually couples, but they totes are.  It's difficult to have fun when you're the one driving all the places with two couples, and it's just not the most inclusive thing of your life.  Yeah, sure, they talk to you occasionally; mainly out of pity because you don't have anyone else, hence why you're still torturing yourself by staying with them for so long.   More words, just too tired to write them all.  So pretend like I said something that really relates and touches you and we'll call this good.  #don'tbeafifthwheel #don'tletothersbefifthwheels #notthecoolestofbeans

I Love to See the Temple...I Go Inside All the Days 3>

   

 
    Wanna know a pet peeve that probably shouldn't be a pet peeve, but is?? When friends or people post a picture of them at the temple with the wonderful lyrics to one of my favorite primary hymns, "I Love to See the Temple."   They caption:  "I love to see the temple, I'll go inside someday."   Which was a great goal! As a primary kid.  But now we have the opportunity to go inside as much as we'd like/can.  Perhaps we haven't reached the level of going upstairs and completing work other than what's done in the baptistery, but we still go inside the temple all the time!!
      I wish lovely young people would stop viewing it as "I'll go inside...someday," when they can go in today!  That doesn't mean that I discourage any thoughts or desires of furthering your progress and career in the temple, I just mean to not see the temple blessings as something you'll attain only when you're older.  I wish everyone with a temple recommend would say, "I love to see the temple, I go inside all the days!"  or "I love to see the temple, I'll go upstairs someday,"  or something optimistic, yet more precise.    There. There's my pet peeve.
     Now to continue on the topic of the temple.  Wow. A lame word to express my emotions, I know, but that's about all I can say because of my awe without totally freaking someone out over how excited I am about the temple!!!! At mutual tonight, our bishop gave a fireside. He talked on many a great thing, but he concluded speaking with a discussion of the temple.  He said that we should strive to have a career at the temple. Now just think about that term: career.  What is a career?  It's something you plan for your future, you get started now with research and education, it's something you look forward to and are dedicated to because you love it.  A job is something you do to get by, or because you need to, but maybe don't necessarily want to do.  A career is something you have prepared for and look forward to doing for your life.  Apply the term career to the temple.  See what an impeccable perspective this is??  Don't start your career ten years from now, start your temple career today! Prepare and live worthy to go to the temple, and go frequently, just like you would any other career!
     I'd like to share my feelings while the bishop discussed the temple, and how we should all make it a goal to enter the temple and to receive all the blessings that come from the temple, specifically Endowments.  As he spoke, an accumulation of past and new thoughts and emotions welled up inside my chest and my heartbeat quickened drastically.  I thought I would burst!! My desire to further my progress in the temple and receive my endowment is great.  I want so badly to go this week and receive those blessings and to feel of God's love for me in that way, and to do that same work for others!  I have the burning desire like nothing else in my life right now.  I yearn for that day! I am unbelievably excited, and I can't wait!! I LOVE THE TEMPLE! And I love going so often.  It is a house of peace, a house of love, a house of hope, a house of work, a house of prayer, a house of family, and most importantly, a house of God.  I say all these words, in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen.  :)

P.S.  I apologize for the lengthy post...I just got carried away...haha:)

Express Yourself

For quite a few years I have turned to writing (both in creative writing and journal keeping) to express myself, my feelings, my struggles, my random thoughts, and whatever comes out.  Most people, even myself, would first think I would turn to music to express myself, which I do, but sometimes it's better for me to not express myself through music, which probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me...
When a friend of mine told me about a writing website that some of our other friends had started, I realized that I would finally have a place to put all of my works. Even if I would be the only person to really visit the site, knowing that it was still out in the open for others to access gave me a sense of voice, like I didn't have to hold in all of my emotions, but that I could release my inner self one piece at a time.  Although I don't view myself as a great author, I still find joy and comfort in getting all of my sick (not "cool," but actually disturbed and disease-stricken) thoughts out on a page, and eventually on the web for others to stumble upon occasionally.
If you're really in the bored and stalking mood, you're free to peruse the website that I eventually became part-owner of, here.  (The link leads directly to my main portion of the website, but you're welcome to browse the rest of the creative site, I assure everything on there is fabulous.)

Share your thoughts!
How do you express yourself?
How has expressing yourself in your own way helped you or others understand you?

Have a smiley day!!

Homeless

"Homeless"

No one would expect a classroom to be a home. 

Yet in one extraordinary classroom, a family is born: 

with loving mother, and plenty of eager, excited children.

Happiness and love flourish, and beauty is created.

But nobody really realizes it is their home until suddenly it is

gone. It is taken away, repossessed. No more will the gentle

woman come out of her office to the jokes and cacophony of

music. No longer will the older siblings enter.

No longer will laughter, playing, love, or joy be allowed.

Instead, the children find it to be cold and deserted, not by choice,

but because it is the law.

No longer does it feel filled with music, and growing, and bonding.

There is no unity, for each of the children left must find another

home. No, instead there is silence and a Hawk, dictating all

elements of the classroom.

No longer do I feel welcome.

No longer do I view it as my home.

No longer do I even wish to return, for the memories of what

use to be and what could have been thrash me into a despair

for hope of love that will never be again.

No longer.

***

Senior year of high school. Don't most people love this year? Isn't this the party year? The year where I can just ride the rails until the day of graduation, and just have the time of my life? Only three days into the year, and already I feel as if I would accept not graduating just to get out of school. It has been some of the roughest days of school I've had to endure, and it is anywhere near to being finished. I wrote this poem to express but one struggle I'm facing at school currently: the fact that I have no real home now. And it feels like no family. I see my friends and music family maybe once or twice a day, just in passing mostly. And all because we've been kicked out of our home and way of life, and it hurts.