I am Mr. Henchard, the once powerful mayor of Casterbridge. I am Oedipus, once a great ruler of Thebes. I am the consumed Dr. Jekyll, once a man of great genius and accomplishment, now broken into a hideous, lowly creature. I am Jay Gatsby, one whose rich and wellness had ended with selfishness for want of an even better life and future. I am a tragic hero, who started from the bottom and worked my way up the ladder, just to fall down and break my neck. I am Caesar, having climbed the ranks of society and power, only to be shoved back to the ground by my friends, even Brutus.
Elementary school and junior high I worked so hard, and succeeded more than I could've dreamed. I peaked at my freshman year; my last year of junior high. That's when everything began to go down hill. I started at the bottom of the school chain again, as a sophomore. I tried my hardest to gain the power I had left behind at West Point, and I gained a bit my junior year, but then senior year- my final year- I have quickly descended the rungs of the ladder so much so that I am very nearly buried already in the cold, hard ground, and it hasn't even been a semester!
It hurts sometimes. I'm embarrassed a lot. I'm stressed a lot. And I spend most of my days wanting to hide my face and erase everything that has happened. But I can't. So I proceed with my days trying to ignore those facts, acting like nothing happened, moving on to the next thing and waiting to embarrass myself all over again.
What rough lessons I am learning from watching myself and a certain friend swap places. I am Henchard, and they are Farfrae. I use to be the kind, respective Mayor, but now they are. They have become everything I was in ninth grade, and I am left to be a poor old man hiding out in a cottage, trying to escape the dreadful things following me. I feel as if everything I have worked so hard for, everything I have earned, everything I have ever cared about have all gone to the other. I feel I have not only lost my academic success and respect, but also my social stance. I have lost the many close friendships I had, only to gain but a very few (though they are very dear to me). I don't know anyone anymore, and no one knows me. Not any one person knows.
Perhaps I should be as Invisible Man and be content with an uninspiring, unimportant, and unsuccessful life, but hubris is standing in the way of my change of heart and I just don't know how to overcome this hamartia yet. I guess I have my whole life to figure out how to be content with the role of a background character; something I probably always was suppose to be. That's what the Atonement is for, eh? So for now, I will throw myself into the work of The Lord; let Him take the reins for a bit so I don't have to choose between myself and Him. I will become His tool and be glad to do the work laid for me, wherever it may lead.
