Collegiate Life (1)

FOREWORD: Now that I'm in college, a lot of the things I post will probably be about college....


College life is so weird.  You get to know a ton of people super fast, but it's only been a week and a half and I feel I've started losing the friendships I started making the first few days.  Some friendships have been strengthened- like my relationships with my room mates- but I've kind of gone back to just being a random person that's just a space filler.   I know many who get invited to everything with so many people because they're the go-to person for fun and games.  And then I just sit at home, or something like that wishing some cute guy would text me to hang out too.

     You know that cliche idea that college is for finding yourself? Discovering who you are, and growing up into adulthood?  I never thought I would be one of those people.  I've always known who I am, right? I know where I'm going. I have a plan. I don't need self-discovery just because I'm starting college, right?   Wrong.

     I had no clue that there are things about myself that I actually don't know. There are some things that I didn't know I was struggling with until I got to college and have had more alone time to think and ponder about where I am in life exactly.  Trials that I've been dealing with but have never been able to exactly identify or put my finger right on the problem, I am just discovering these.

   One of the things that has become more of a pressing matter for me was mentioned at the beginning.  I've noticed that I'll meet lots of people and become friends, but then those people become friends with my roommates, and they'll come over and hang out, or invite us to things, but as I observe, I can see that all of these friends primarily want to hang out with my roommates and I just happen to be there too, so they're okay with me tagging along, but I'm not the one they have in mind when they extend an invitation.  And this really bugs me.  I don't know why: I should just be happy with doing stuff with everyone, right? But for some reason I'm really selfish and just for once want to be invited to something because someone wants to spend time specifically with me. I want to feel like I'm their friend, not just a girl with whom they share a mutual friend with.  I don't want to just be a space filler. I don't want to be the third, or the fifth, or the ninth wheel anymore.

    But what really gets me is why? Why? Is it because I'm more introverted? Awkward? Unattractive? Boring?  I will be investigating the reasons in the coming weeks, and maybe I'll find out.  Maybe I can improve, or find someone that will like to hang out with me for who I am, not for who I live with.

Not everything is terrible though! I still have a lot of fun with many people, they're all awesome, and I love them all. :)